one of those moods...

i seem to be in one of those moods where i just wanna hop in the car and go.
where?
who knows.
i don't have a particular place or destination in mind right now
but just to get in my car and leave this town, heck even this state.

nothing is really wrong its just that my mind is being bombarded
with thoughts that i shouldn't be thinking to begin with.
mostly about guys and love and one in particular
I'm trying to keep my thoughts captive but what exactly does that mean anyway?
you think about your thoughts before you think them?
that doesn't seem to make much sense...
or does it mean that once you start a thought you stop thinking about it to make sure its something you should be thinking.

you know?
life is getting hard.
i always thought that i wanted to "find myself" or whatever but now that its starting to happen I'm questioning that that was ever what i really wanted.
and is it possible to cheat on God? because i feel like i have in one way or another. i promised him until October 26 that he was going to be my only and true love so that once the day comes that my year of singleness is over any other relationship i have besides the one between me and Him would still be based around God. but have i been doing that? i don't think so. i mean Ive stayed single but has he been my only love? no. my thoughts have drifted and so has my heart. i still love god with every fiber of my being but the fire i had at the beginning of the summer is gone. is that normal. i mean i guess if you're not investing what you're learning in someone, and you have no one investing in you its possible. but is it normal? maybe? but even if it is i don't like it. and no matter how hard i try to get into His word its almost as if it holds no interest and even as I'm typing that i cringe and i think to myself can i not read any of the twilight books over and over until i almost have twilight memorized yet i can't spend ten minutes studying his word everyday? that's crazy to me. its basically the same thing if you think about it. it's a love story, but instead of it being between two fictional characters its about two real ones and one of them is me. and the other? he is so much more real and amazing and perfect than Edward Cullen could be even if he were real. but yet i would rather read a fictional story that causes us to compare every guy we meet to a fictional character than a love story from my creator, my father even, that is ridiculous to me.

now don't get me wrong I'm one of the biggest fans of twilight there is but even still you have to admit that I'm right. i mean it shocks me that someone asked me what W.W.J.D meant yesterday. isn't that just one of those things that you know? apparently not. which just goes to show that there are people in our community that have no idea what or who God is. they have no idea that Jesus died on that cross for them. and what do we do about it? nothing. we sit in our classrooms and daydream about the guy sitting next to us who is "super hot" then go home and sit in our room on the computer when there are ppl in our neighborhood that need to know that there is a savior out there who loves them but we don't do anything about that. and i am definitely including myself in that because I'm the worst about talking the talk but not walking the walk. wow. life is definitely getting harder. i want to give God this year of my life with no holding back, and taking every thought captive but i had no idea it would be this hard. and he never promised it would be easy but he did promise that if we put our faith in him, it will be possible [[Phil. 4:13]] and I'm clinging to that promise as if my life depends on it. because in a way....well one of my lives depends on it. because this shell of a person that I'm walking around in will fade and one day ill have to face my father and when that day comes nothing will matter anymore except for how i lived my life and isn't that the way it should be? isn't that what we all should be judged by. not by the clothes we wore or the car we drove, but when its all over and done with shouldn't people remember you for who you were, and not what your clothes said about you? if everyone was seen that way this world would be a better place. if everyone could realize that at the end you are judged by the only person who has the right to judge you in the first place and what people think, or say, to or about you now does not matter. your body is borrowed you belong to God and even if you don't believe it, it's true. at the end of this life you will figure that out and you will end up in one of two places whether you want to believe it or not, it's going to happen. and honestly that makes me want to upchuck. because I'm not looking forward to that at all. i don't deserve him and anything that he has done for me. but yet i still get to go to heaven and spend eternity with him? wtc. its amazing and scary. i am terrified of being judged here on earth, therefore i know i won't be able to handle it in heaven because i have not done the best i can do, and i know it.

do you see it now? do you understand, can you ever understand what has been going through my mind for the past 3 months? i know i still don't understand everything. but the one thing that i do completely understand is that i will never understand. and the one thing i have learned is that i have to do much better than i am right now. how? i think i have a few ideas. and i also realize now that life will be hard, but if you cling onto the promise that nothing is impossible through God, life will not be impossible and if its meant to be it will happen but if not, that simply means that there is something better out there, and while that makes me very excited it also makes me a tad bit sad because i don't feel that there is something better out there than what i want right now, but there is. also, the only way we learn is through struggles and God knows i have many therefore, i have a lot to learn.