learned lesson number 1: [[your gut feeling is the holy spirit.]] this personally touches me because of the wreck i was in in august. i knew that i should not drive to that party. the wind was blowing so hard i could barely get my key in my door i felt like crap and i didn't know where i was going. yet i still went....and almost died. i didn't follow what my gut feeling was telling me to do. and if your gut feeling is honestly the holy ghost that just amazes me for 2 reasons. first of all. everyone and i mean everyone has a gut feeling. call it what you may: conscious, what have you, not one person can tell me that they don't have one. and if that's true that means that everyone is trying to be reached by the holy spirit. even if your not saved, my God loves every one of you so much that even if you refuse to accept Him He wants to be in your life so badly that He still is looking out for you. secondly because a God so big and so indescribable has given each of us a part of Him that nobody can take away and we get to experience it everyday if we will just let Him use us. if we will just make ourselves available to Him. He loves all of us [[even the non believers]] so much that His whole world revolves around us and we are all that matters to Him. that's absolutely amazing to me.

life lesson 2: i speak so freely about this topic because i struggle with it daily. and not many ppl know that.but ever since the ninth grade depression has become a very big struggle in my life. [[depression comes from not getting what we want.]] if you really think about it, it does. when my depression started it was because the ppl i WANTED in my life were dying. and it angered me. it was because the beauty that i WANTED i didn't think i had and that angered me as well. it was because the things that i thought i WANTED God to hand me, the friends that i WANTED in my life, and the love that i WANTED from a guy i wasn't getting and those things angered me which made me feel as though there was no God. so instead of doing what we should do in a time of depression which would be giving it to God we instead turn away from Him and blame it all on Him. but we can't always get what we want because what we want isn't always what we need and only God knows what that is

life lesson 3:[[fear. and every kind of fear you have boils down to the fear of the unknown.]] I'm afraid of clowns for instance. I'm afraid of them because i don't know what would happen if a clown came into my room in the middle of the night. I'm also afraid of never getting married. I'm afraid of not being able to provide for myself, and what my life would be like if i were to be single for the rest of my life. the fear of the unknown. however, if we place our trust in God we would have no need for this emotion. btw, fear isn't a God-given fear, its a man-made fear.

also i have come to the conclusion that God gives me nights like this so that i can fully feel passionate about my calling to be a part-time missionary. that's scary for me and sometimes i doubt that calling in my life. but tonight sitting in the chick-fil-a parking lot i got so fired up for Christ i wanted to run around the city of Villa Rica and scream "Jesus loves you, He died for YOU!!!" and its nights like these when i am so fired up that i know i have this calling i know its the right one and i don't doubt it.


i want so badly to be able to open up to more ppl about my faith. i pray every night that i would say all the right things, i do all the right actions, that i wouldn't have to speak to share my faith. but it just doesn't happen. i want so badly for my light to shine so bright with the love of Jesus Christ that it would light up a room. and not only do i want for ppl to see but i want them to want it. i want every person in this world to feel the way i do every night. and not only that but i want to do everything i can to make it happen.