love

ever since the Basement new years bash i've been thinking about what i want out of a relationship, and the kind of guy i want to be in a relationship with. if you don't know the basement is the biggest youth movement in the nation, basically it's like a huge youth rally. about 4,000 people come every tuesday and you can really feel God's presence in that room. Matt Pitt [[the speaker at the Basement]] made a statement that really shocked me because it's something i never ever though to be true. he said that to some guys the most attractive girls were the ones who were on fire for God and worshipped and lived for him like it was nobody's business. and that makes me very glad to hear because lately i've started to lose hope that that's actually a good thing in guy's eyes. one of my favorite parts of IMPACT is seeing all of those guys worshipping because it gives me hope that i'll be able to snag one of those guys one day.

it just seems to me like being a firm christian isn't as important to guys as it is to girls. no offense to joey, codi, and kyle lol because you three are obviously and exception. but i mean i guess i can see why. it's nowhere near as big of a problem for girls to be accepted as it is to guys. i mean i know it's hard to stand up for Christ to a guy because you all have to be so tough. but i just wish that all the guys out there could realize how attractive it is to us if a guy is on fire for God. i know it would make this whole dating thing a lot easier. because i truly do want all of my relationships to be based on God because you can't help who you fall in love with therefore, i don't need to date someone who isn't a firm believer of Christ. but sometimes it gets so tempting to just have that short little fling with the hot guy that is a "good guy" but maybe isn't the strongest christian. especially when you think well, i can change him. because i know that is never going to work unless God gets a hold of him. it's nothing that i can do that will ever change a guy. idk. i mean i guess i've just been thinking about this a lot because i'm falling for this guy who is exactly what i said he is a "good guy" just not a very strong christian, and the thought of being able to change him has crossed my mind. it's just getting tougher to find a guy with that strong christian character, but that's exactly what i desire. and i just wish guys could see what they are missing out on cause us jesusfreaks are pretty rad.

hope i didn't offend and guys out there haha but i really do hope that yall take what i said to heart.

learned lesson number 1: [[your gut feeling is the holy spirit.]] this personally touches me because of the wreck i was in in august. i knew that i should not drive to that party. the wind was blowing so hard i could barely get my key in my door i felt like crap and i didn't know where i was going. yet i still went....and almost died. i didn't follow what my gut feeling was telling me to do. and if your gut feeling is honestly the holy ghost that just amazes me for 2 reasons. first of all. everyone and i mean everyone has a gut feeling. call it what you may: conscious, what have you, not one person can tell me that they don't have one. and if that's true that means that everyone is trying to be reached by the holy spirit. even if your not saved, my God loves every one of you so much that even if you refuse to accept Him He wants to be in your life so badly that He still is looking out for you. secondly because a God so big and so indescribable has given each of us a part of Him that nobody can take away and we get to experience it everyday if we will just let Him use us. if we will just make ourselves available to Him. He loves all of us [[even the non believers]] so much that His whole world revolves around us and we are all that matters to Him. that's absolutely amazing to me.

life lesson 2: i speak so freely about this topic because i struggle with it daily. and not many ppl know that.but ever since the ninth grade depression has become a very big struggle in my life. [[depression comes from not getting what we want.]] if you really think about it, it does. when my depression started it was because the ppl i WANTED in my life were dying. and it angered me. it was because the beauty that i WANTED i didn't think i had and that angered me as well. it was because the things that i thought i WANTED God to hand me, the friends that i WANTED in my life, and the love that i WANTED from a guy i wasn't getting and those things angered me which made me feel as though there was no God. so instead of doing what we should do in a time of depression which would be giving it to God we instead turn away from Him and blame it all on Him. but we can't always get what we want because what we want isn't always what we need and only God knows what that is

life lesson 3:[[fear. and every kind of fear you have boils down to the fear of the unknown.]] I'm afraid of clowns for instance. I'm afraid of them because i don't know what would happen if a clown came into my room in the middle of the night. I'm also afraid of never getting married. I'm afraid of not being able to provide for myself, and what my life would be like if i were to be single for the rest of my life. the fear of the unknown. however, if we place our trust in God we would have no need for this emotion. btw, fear isn't a God-given fear, its a man-made fear.

also i have come to the conclusion that God gives me nights like this so that i can fully feel passionate about my calling to be a part-time missionary. that's scary for me and sometimes i doubt that calling in my life. but tonight sitting in the chick-fil-a parking lot i got so fired up for Christ i wanted to run around the city of Villa Rica and scream "Jesus loves you, He died for YOU!!!" and its nights like these when i am so fired up that i know i have this calling i know its the right one and i don't doubt it.


i want so badly to be able to open up to more ppl about my faith. i pray every night that i would say all the right things, i do all the right actions, that i wouldn't have to speak to share my faith. but it just doesn't happen. i want so badly for my light to shine so bright with the love of Jesus Christ that it would light up a room. and not only do i want for ppl to see but i want them to want it. i want every person in this world to feel the way i do every night. and not only that but i want to do everything i can to make it happen.

one of those moods...

i seem to be in one of those moods where i just wanna hop in the car and go.
where?
who knows.
i don't have a particular place or destination in mind right now
but just to get in my car and leave this town, heck even this state.

nothing is really wrong its just that my mind is being bombarded
with thoughts that i shouldn't be thinking to begin with.
mostly about guys and love and one in particular
I'm trying to keep my thoughts captive but what exactly does that mean anyway?
you think about your thoughts before you think them?
that doesn't seem to make much sense...
or does it mean that once you start a thought you stop thinking about it to make sure its something you should be thinking.

you know?
life is getting hard.
i always thought that i wanted to "find myself" or whatever but now that its starting to happen I'm questioning that that was ever what i really wanted.
and is it possible to cheat on God? because i feel like i have in one way or another. i promised him until October 26 that he was going to be my only and true love so that once the day comes that my year of singleness is over any other relationship i have besides the one between me and Him would still be based around God. but have i been doing that? i don't think so. i mean Ive stayed single but has he been my only love? no. my thoughts have drifted and so has my heart. i still love god with every fiber of my being but the fire i had at the beginning of the summer is gone. is that normal. i mean i guess if you're not investing what you're learning in someone, and you have no one investing in you its possible. but is it normal? maybe? but even if it is i don't like it. and no matter how hard i try to get into His word its almost as if it holds no interest and even as I'm typing that i cringe and i think to myself can i not read any of the twilight books over and over until i almost have twilight memorized yet i can't spend ten minutes studying his word everyday? that's crazy to me. its basically the same thing if you think about it. it's a love story, but instead of it being between two fictional characters its about two real ones and one of them is me. and the other? he is so much more real and amazing and perfect than Edward Cullen could be even if he were real. but yet i would rather read a fictional story that causes us to compare every guy we meet to a fictional character than a love story from my creator, my father even, that is ridiculous to me.

now don't get me wrong I'm one of the biggest fans of twilight there is but even still you have to admit that I'm right. i mean it shocks me that someone asked me what W.W.J.D meant yesterday. isn't that just one of those things that you know? apparently not. which just goes to show that there are people in our community that have no idea what or who God is. they have no idea that Jesus died on that cross for them. and what do we do about it? nothing. we sit in our classrooms and daydream about the guy sitting next to us who is "super hot" then go home and sit in our room on the computer when there are ppl in our neighborhood that need to know that there is a savior out there who loves them but we don't do anything about that. and i am definitely including myself in that because I'm the worst about talking the talk but not walking the walk. wow. life is definitely getting harder. i want to give God this year of my life with no holding back, and taking every thought captive but i had no idea it would be this hard. and he never promised it would be easy but he did promise that if we put our faith in him, it will be possible [[Phil. 4:13]] and I'm clinging to that promise as if my life depends on it. because in a way....well one of my lives depends on it. because this shell of a person that I'm walking around in will fade and one day ill have to face my father and when that day comes nothing will matter anymore except for how i lived my life and isn't that the way it should be? isn't that what we all should be judged by. not by the clothes we wore or the car we drove, but when its all over and done with shouldn't people remember you for who you were, and not what your clothes said about you? if everyone was seen that way this world would be a better place. if everyone could realize that at the end you are judged by the only person who has the right to judge you in the first place and what people think, or say, to or about you now does not matter. your body is borrowed you belong to God and even if you don't believe it, it's true. at the end of this life you will figure that out and you will end up in one of two places whether you want to believe it or not, it's going to happen. and honestly that makes me want to upchuck. because I'm not looking forward to that at all. i don't deserve him and anything that he has done for me. but yet i still get to go to heaven and spend eternity with him? wtc. its amazing and scary. i am terrified of being judged here on earth, therefore i know i won't be able to handle it in heaven because i have not done the best i can do, and i know it.

do you see it now? do you understand, can you ever understand what has been going through my mind for the past 3 months? i know i still don't understand everything. but the one thing that i do completely understand is that i will never understand. and the one thing i have learned is that i have to do much better than i am right now. how? i think i have a few ideas. and i also realize now that life will be hard, but if you cling onto the promise that nothing is impossible through God, life will not be impossible and if its meant to be it will happen but if not, that simply means that there is something better out there, and while that makes me very excited it also makes me a tad bit sad because i don't feel that there is something better out there than what i want right now, but there is. also, the only way we learn is through struggles and God knows i have many therefore, i have a lot to learn.